July 4th

The Fourth of July.  Not a day that I usually write about my boys (although I write about them for ME almost every day, I don’t share it).  This is a  day to write about my boys, my life, my journey, where I have been, and where I am going.

 

I remember all the July Fourth’s spent at Disney.  Mom, my boys, me…. we’d load up the Gremlin (yes, we actually had one)  and head to Melbourne.  We stayed with Alan and Vicky (most times, if we were lucky, we saw Tommy and Di for a few minutes).   I had to laugh when I remembered one visit tonight.  Jason Lee was supposed to get the Cokes out of the back of the car.  Guess he was as tired as I was, because he didn’t get them.  They exploded all over the car.  Mom and I could do nothing but laugh…. what was the sense in getting angry?  Couldn’t change it. 

 

The fireworks.  Standing in line FOREVER for the boys favorite rides.  But doing it with joy, and laughter, and Rick with his perennial, “we’re lost.  I know we’re lost.”.  The day it started to pour rain, while we were in the Magic Kingdom.  Mom took shelter.  The three of us?  What’s gonna happen…. we’re gonna get wet?  So, we continued with our adventure.  The older gentleman stopping us and sternly asking me if our Mother knew we were out in the rain.  Rick very politely telling him that I was his Mom, and I knew where we were.  We were outside the Peter Pan ride.  Did we get wet?  Yep.  But all I remember are the smiles and laughs and giggles, the popcorn, Jason and the turkey leg that was as big as he was, the hot dogs, the fireworks, Cinderella singling Jason out, and how he decided he’d just marry her.

 

My life is headed in a different direction.  It is one that I have known that I need to follow for quite some time now.  I am not the same person I was 8 years ago.  My time of taking care of aging, sick parents is over (unless I get Papa, and I’ll happily take him if I need to).   I’ll know soon exactly which way I am going.  But, in a new direction, it is.  I know that I am going to find a way to start a Survivors of Suicide group here.  It is so desperately needed.  Be the change you wish to see in the world.  I may stay semi-retired working on that for a while.  I don’t know right this moment.  I’ll know when I am supposed to know.

 

I used to say that life isn’t fair.  But, I had a print by Brian Andreas (you all know I love StoryPeople).  He always graciously signs my prints, because he knows what words mean to me, and how healing many of his words have been since the deaths of my sons.   It hung at Triple J for a long time.  My heart led me to give it to someone whom I felt needed the words.  Brian says,

They left me
with your shadow,
saying things like
Life is not fair

& I believed them
for a long time.

But today,
I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat
of your hand
in mine

& I knew that
life is more fair
than we can
ever imagine
if
we are there to live it

 

We have to be here to live it.  Tonight humbled me.  It made me realize how much I am really loved.  What a blessing that is… to be loved.

 

After I finished the party, I stopped by my favorite Biker Bar for a drink.  I actually enjoy stopping by myself for a drink.  It’s me time, and I treasure it.   So many things happened, in such a short span of time.  The really drunk guy who told me I was too “classy” to be at Newby’s.  Trust me, the dude was REALLY drunk.  The drunk guy who wanted to impress me with his education.  Got rid of him by introducing Mark as my boyfriend. The guy who said, “You’re the shoe girl!!  Where’ve you been?”  The tattooed pierced girl who decided I was the “coolest person she’d ever met”.  The guy who asked me if I knew how lucky I am.

 

That gave me pause.  Lucky?  How am I lucky?  My children are dead by their own hands.  My Mother is in Heaven.  Andy is in Heaven.  The people that I love the most in this world no longer inhabit this world.  I am unemployed (I prefer temporarily retired).

 

Then I remembered.  11:11.  The Angel hour.  Those of you who know me know that I haven’t worn a watch since the day that Rick asked for Jason’s watch, shortly after J died.  There is something about watches that makes me shake, so I just don’t wear one.  I am not as attuned to time since my boys moved to Heaven as I perhaps should be.  I make it a point to be at work on time, but everything else happens when it happens.  I’ll be close to on time.  Maybe a few minutes early.  Maybe a few minutes late.  But close.  But, when I went inside to wash the blender, I saw the clock.  It said 11:11.  And I stood there, and talked to my 4 Angels until it said 11:12.  And had the most wonderful Angel hugs.

 

Lucky?  You bet I am.   The best kids in the world were mine.  They made an impact on this world that will be felt for centuries to come.  Andy loved me.  Me.  Who I am.  He didn’t want to change me.  He never made one snarky, hurtful comment.  Not one.  He just…. loved me.  Like I love him.  I am honored to have the best friends this old world of ours can offer, people that I can actually call in the middle of the night, and they’ll do whatever it is I need.

 

I have known great love.  I have known great loss.  But you know what?  It’s a great day to be alive.

 

Please, get out there and live your life.  It took me a LONG time, but I realized that what other people think of me doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I can look in the mirror and know that I was the best me I could be that day. 

 

I may share this.  I may keep it just for me.  We’ll see how I feel in the morning.

 

Walk good, be blessed, and thank your Higher Power for another day.

 

Maximum respect,
 
Brenda Adkins, always Red’s & Red Man’s Mom
 http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=10009264
 Life isn’t the party I’d hoped for, but I’ll dance anyway, because my sons believed I would.

 

Jason August 5, 1974 – May 7, 2000
 
Rick August 5, 1974 – August 16, 2002 found August 24, 2002
You may not think the world needed you, but it did.   For you were unique: like no one that has ever been before or will come after.   No one can speak with your voice; say your piece; smile your smile; or shine your light.   No one can take your place for it was yours alone to fill.   Because you are not here to shine your light, who knows how many travelers will lose their  way as they try to pass by  your empty place in the darkness
I miss you, Andy.  Kick their butts for me, please.
http://www.runningwiththewind.com/